Stronger "Together"
Both as a counselor and as a pastor, I have advocated strongly for the importance of deep, interpersonal relationships. I firmly believe that our presence with people can be more powerful than any great teaching, thoughtful response or slick production. This has been my stance for some time, and I have often resisted some of the digital forms of counseling for that reason. In a counseling situation, I am highly attuned to how atmosphere and personal dynamics impact people’s responses, so I couldn’t get past the limitations of the video call medium. I have used it as a backup tool when needed, but I could never fully embrace it. That experience, coupled with a number of years working in and around the church world, means I totally understand the resistance many churches have had to shutting down in-person meetings. Covid-19 struck right at the heart of a foundational ministry of the church and it has forced us to re-evaluate some of our most firmly-held convictions. Since I first decided to follow Christ, way back in 1997, I have been taught Hebrews 10:24-25:
“…and let us consider how to stimulate one another to love and good deeds, not forsaking our own assembling together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the day drawing near.”
Before a few weeks ago, I would have considered those who willingly chose to watch church services online (rather than show up in person) as missing out on the point of the church. “We can’t passively consume church without human interaction,” I would say. “If we stop meeting together we will stop growing.” But, the last few weeks have me looking at a passage like this with new eyes. There is something going on right now, over Skype, Zoom and Facebook Live, that in many ways surpasses what we were doing with an abundance of in-person ministry. So, how do we obey this explicit command during the time of social distancing? What exactly is the author telling us to hold onto?
What It’s Not
To start with, this time has taught us that Hebrews 10 isn’t just talking about buildings or hugs, as great as those things are. If God is calling us to obey this command, even in this time, it can’t just be referring to being in the same location or providing a physical presence. Those things are GREAT things and a means to a great end of spiritual and emotional connection. We are wired to need the physical embrace of another person, and we pick up so much from people’s non-verbal cues without saying a word. There can be great power in a person’s presence with you, even when they don’t have words to say. I have seen major arguments with couples disarmed with a simple hand placed on a knee or a kind look in the eye. So, intentional spaces and a physical presence are good, but they are still just the tool, the means to a different end. If they aren’t used intentionally, they can be taken for granted and rendered powerless like anything else. I suspect that is exactly what has happened in our time of exploding knowledge, production and technological advancement. We have squandered scores of opportunities with others because we have not valued the power of our personal presence. Perhaps in its absence we are able to recover something of its essence again and see our relationships flourish. So, what is it we really need?
What It Is
To go back to the passage from Hebrews, we must consider that the author was writing to a people who were suffering and facing persecution. I am certain there were limitations for when and how they could meet. Certainly, what he was calling them to was far different than what we picture in a modern-day worship service. The point he was making, at this critical juncture of the letter, was about how much they needed each other to get through a dark and dangerous time. They needed to prioritize their connections with one another and not neglect them. It is the same for us now in 2020. To persevere and remain faithful, we NEED each other. no matter how much we love the “rugged individualist” and the “lift yourself up by your bootstraps” stories of our American culture, there are some things we just can’t handle without the support of a loving, self-sacrificing community. In that vain, the essence of meeting together is what we do for one another, and the essence of togetherness is our intimate care for each other. The thing we can’t live without as the Body of Christ is the Holy Spirit unifying us toward a common purpose and interdependence. That can be accomplished without being physically present, and it can be noticeably absent even when we are packed into the same room. In a broad sense, I think the western, evangelical church had lost some of that. Though we were together physically, the essence of real, Biblical community has been noticeably absent in a lot of our churches. The pursuit of Christ has been repackaged as an individualistic pursuit of personal growth and empowerment. The church and its staff has become a seller of Christian goods and services to it’s customers, the congregants. The “professionals” work to produce, teach and inspire, while everyone else shows up to individually consume. When we show up that way, we will inevitably be disappointed and find the church and the Gospel to be lacking in power. But, it’s not the fault of the institution of church or the Gospel. They just weren’t designed to work that way. We have to re-discover the essence of community before we will truly experience the beautiful power of the Gospel to transform.
What Do We Do?
So, what practical steps can we take to bring authentic community back to our Christian life? I would suggest 3 things that have the power to deepen even your online relationships right now:
Be proactive and intentional - The author of Hebrews was first calling us to prioritize our personal relationships. That is a heart attitude and requires a discipline in relationships that is even more critical now. Schedule time with people. Don’t assume they are doing or feeling OK. Make it a key part of your schedule to check-in with those in your close circle.
Be vulnerable - Choose a safe person in your circle and share openly. Share the difficult stuff, the deep-seated fears or insecurities. Share the honest, messy version of yourself, rather than the curated image you create for social media. Let someone see the things you don’t let anyone else see. Tell someone about the big regret from your past that no one knows about or the struggles you are having in your marriage. Let. Someone. In. When someone sees the real, messy you and accepts you, loves you, and prays for you, that is transformational.
Be nosy - Ask people how they are really doing. Ask specific questions about their health, their finances, or their relationships. As a counselor, I am used to doing this, but for most it feels very intrusive, so we never penetrate deeper than the surface in our relationships. Persevere with people you care about and find out what is really going on with them, not so you can share some good gossip, but so that you can be a God-given support to them.
No matter how much we want it to be that way, ours is not an individualistic faith. We need each other. We are parts of a Body and we can be more united now than ever before if we embrace the importance of our relationships. It can be scary to take these steps, to push a relationship toward a deeper, more intentional level of connection, but there is power waiting for you when you do. Let the Spirit lead you to take a step and connect with someone today!