True Love
“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.
In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus...”
It was 4:04am on a Wednesday. My feet were killing me and my left arm was almost completely numb as I worked to get my youngest daughter back to sleep. My family and I were on “vacation” (a misnomer when you are taking small children) and it was clear I would be making a 3 hour drive in a few hours with very little sleep. My fatigue was enhanced by the fact that my wife and I had been up late talking about the struggles of some family members and how we could help. After uttering one of several prayers that morning for her to finally go soundly asleep, I felt the still voice of the Spirit speak to me: “this is what true love looks like.” I realized in that moment that God was giving me something far more important than sleep. He was giving me an object lesson in what true unselfish love looks like from His perspective.
True love, the love God commands and commends throughout Scripture, is valuing someone else’s needs above my own. It is an attitude and it affects my emotions, but it is in its truest essence an action word. I personally never feel this more clearly than when I miss out on sleep. I am usually most impatient and selfish when I begin to sense a decent night’s sleep slipping away. All I want is to lie down and drift off, but someone I love needs something else. It is the best test of my love for my child when our needs conflict. Do I love her enough to give her comfort when I so badly need to rest? It is a simple test but a very difficult one to pass.
True love also is moving towards someone in vulnerable intimacy. It is sharing my heart with someone as they share theirs. It is valuing and appreciating their heart when they share it with me. While it may keep me up late, I will always value a deep conversation with my wife because I have seen its immense value in our relationship and our planning. Everything goes better when I know our hearts are united. We feel closer to one another. We understand each other better. And, I sense God’s purpose in putting us together, because I see how well we fit together.
True love is not giving a person everything they want or making excuses for abusive or ungodly behavior. That is a distortion of the truth. When we are committed to love someone, we vow to work for what is good for them, not to meet their every selfish desire. A profoundly selfish or abusive person needs boundaries in order to get better. An overly compliant spouse only encourages and enhances their problems. If you are in one of those situations, seek help to develop a plan for setting safe boundaries, but don’t go on placating their desires and calling it love.
True love, finally, is aspirational. Only God totally gets it right consistently. Your selfishness will show up frequently, just as mine does. But, when we choose to love someone, it must be the target we are aiming for or we will fail to fulfill our purpose in that relationship. It is something we commit to move toward, not run away from as our relationships progress. It is the only real hope for a truly fulfilling and impactful relationship with someone.
It is 4:33am and my daughter is finally sleeping soundly. God spoke to my heart during that time and, though I am weary and longing to sleep, I stop to document what He showed me. I cherish connection with Him even beyond the simple necessity of sleep because He is the power behind any real form of love. I would take this interruption any time if it means the God of the universe is choosing to speak to me. That is true love…