The Need to Belong
“Indeed, I would not achieve the integration I sought until I found two nutrients essential to so many survivors. First, I found community and then I found a way to contribute.”
Dealing with grief is one thing. When Sue Klebold discovered that her son, Dylan, had gone on a murderous rampage with his friend, Eric Harris, at Columbine High School, she was thrown into a whirlwind of emotional despair that most of us cannot even begin to comprehend. Sue bravely and vulnerably documented her recovery process in her book, A Mother’s Reckoning, and it is hard to imagine a more complex, more harrowing process of grief to work through, yet she comes back to a very basic foundational truth: the need for community.
It seems so simple in the face of tremendous suffering to point back to the need for friends. Surely there is much more to recovery than that, right? Well, certainly there is much more. Anyone recovering from a severe financial, emotional or relational blow could tell of dozens of important steps along the way. No 2 paths are exactly the same. However, it is easy for us to focus on the decisions someone made or the steps they took and miss the foundation that allowed those steps to bear fruit. Without the sense that we belong, we struggle to function on even the most basic levels.
Being closely connected to community has been shown to be a vital component in how we function as humans. Dr. Thomas Joiner, who has revolutionized the assessment process for suicide, lists the lack of belonging as one of the 2 major components of the desire to end one’s life. Feeling connected to community has also been shown to greatly affect the occurrence and seriousness of PTSD symptoms in war veterans (see Sebastian Junger’s description of this discovery in his book, Tribe). The truth is, the desire to be connected to other people is an instinct as foundational as our desire to avoid pain and seek pleasure (see Matthew Lieberman’s comprehensive book, Social). True, healthy community is what makes everything else we do work.
The Bible is no stranger to this phenomenon, either. Hebrews 10:24-25 says, “And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.” Spiritual growth, for the early church, was not seen as an individualistic exercise. It was done in community with the support and encouragement of like-minded people.
So, if you are struggling, whether it is a bout with depression or anxiety or a trying time in your marriage, don’t fight the battle alone. No book, self-help plan or inspirational message will have much lasting impact unless you have the relational support to carry out the plan. Don’t build without a foundation. Share what you are going through with someone you trust, that you know will walk through it with you. It might be a family member or friend. It might be your pastor. It might be making an appointment with a counselor. Whoever you choose, be open and honest with them to the point that it terrifies you. Then, see how they respond. See how you feel. They don’t have to have an answer for you. They simply need to care and be willing to support you through it. Odds are you will be glad you did.